Thursday, August 11, 2011

Legendary Creature of Old

They are the stuff of legend and crypto zoology. Big Foot, the Loch Ness Monster, Ogopogo, and others. You probably have one of these creatures where you live, a mysterious presence who stalks the woods, lakes or mountains. A creature that is only talked about in hushed tones at coffee shops, and kitchen tables. Once in a while someone will come forward with a tale of an encounter or maybe even a grainy photo, but he or she will eventually be written off as a cook or crackpot.

There is one such creature that haunts my imagination, but I dare not speak its name in any hockey forum or social media, for fear of ridicule and rejection. He haunts the frozen lakes of the NHL and terrorizes goaltenders as he leaves them undressed in his wake. Yes I and others encountered this creature 20 years ago as it spread its swath of terror across the NHL goalie union. It wore white and seemed to appear as a flash, and then it was gone.  Some say it moved far away from its northern home and turned from white to black in the process, continuing to wreak havoc in the warmer climate of southern California. Of course you know the creature of which I speak, he is the Selanne!

Many say the Selanne has left us never to return, and no good can come from speaking of such things. But there is a small band, made up of myself and others that quietly whisper of a return with our grainy 20 year photographs in hand. And like all good crypto zoologists, ufologists, and cold fusionists we have created sketchy evidence to convince us his return is imminent. Like a Big Foot researcher taking a plaster cast of an oversized footprint, we point to the fact that he has not made his mind up yet. When asked why he would ever come back to his northern home, we point to the good hunting he once enjoyed in Winnipeg. When asked why the media hasn’t heard anything about a Selanne return, like all good cooks we trot out a conspiracy theory. Of course the media hasn`t heard anything, TNSE and his agent are conspiring in secret to formulate a blockbuster deal. When we`re told he’s already stated to the media, if he comes back it will be with the Ducks, we roll out the conspiracy again (it becomes pretty convenient). Of course that’s what he said, it`s just a smoke screen to hide the fact he`s talking to Winnipeg.

Yes I am a secret Selanneologist, I use pseudoscientific methods to conduct my research, and am completely convinced of his return. In no way whatsoever is nostalgia or wishful thinking corrupting my opinion in any way.  When talking of Selanne I always make sure my foil hat is turned in the appropriate position so that I can actually hear the contract negotiations in my head. Don`t worry they`re close to a deal, just you wait and see.

So now when I get on twitter, or one of the forums and reply to trade rumours with “It could be Selanne”, don’t ridicule me. You now know my motivation, and my methods.  By the way as of right now Kevin Cheveldayov is overseas, I wonder why?  Selanne hunting perhaps..

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